Is a fresh start really possible?

After all the stops and starts, and the depression thrown in the mix, is it really possible to achieve my goals?

I want to be healthy and to keep up with my kids without effort. That can't be that hard, can it? I am going to try.

Step one: Make a plan and put the resources in place to carry it out.

I have been dealing with my food issues: Breaking Free by Beth Moore has been an amazing walk through God's plan for His people to be free.

I have a food plan in place: The 17 day diet - I agree anyone can do anything for 17 days.

I have made arrangements to meet with a trainer starting tomorrow. I hope our first meeting goes well and that this will be the butt kicking relationship I really need.

I have wanted an incentive to blog regularly; perhaps recording my journey is what I've been looking for.

My short term goal is to be down 20 lbs by Easter. My long term goal is to be down 75 lbs by Dec 31, 2011. Almost a year. That's 1.56 lbs each week. I know I can do this. I have the right mindset, the right reasons (me), and the right supports in place. My family is onboard to eat whatever I'm eating and make the necessary changes with me.

I want to dance all night on New Year's Eve and not worry once about whether or not I look fat in my dress. I want to have to go shopping with a fashion consultant because my post-kid body is not the same as my 18-year old one (the last time I was really happy with myself). I want to run a marathon in under 4 hours before I turn 35. I want to want to go swimming. I want to run with my kids and leave them behind.

So many reasons to do it. The biggest one not to is that it is hard to do something different. I might hate this size but I know how to live this life. I know how to eat this way and dress this body. This size gives me excuses that I won't have when I'm healthy. I might just have to be honest about some things that I can currently hide behind my weight.

Jesus came to bind up the brokenhearted and God can do all things... even change me. I am not so far gone that He can't reach me and put my feet on solid ground. It has taken me a long time to realize that the mindset that everyone can be changed but me and that I'm too far gone to help is really a pride issue saying that I'm bigger than God. He's so much bigger than my weight struggle. I'm going to ask Him to prove it to me starting tomorrow morning.

Goodnight.

I'd like to run on my background picture

I miss running.

I mean it. What I'm doing right now is technically running but it's not really running. I miss running and enjoying it. I miss reveling in the feeling of my strength and challenging myself to go a little further.

Currently, every step is hard. I have to ice my knees afterwards. Running while carrying 60+ extra pounds is REALLY hard.

I want it to be fun again. I want to lose weight. I still don't know what's missing that isn't allowing me to do it. I find it so difficult to make the time for me in my day.

I can schedule it in. I've found this perfect little window where it should fit, but my day never seems to happen how I've planned it.

I thought working from home would make this easier but I actually think it's harder now. I wish I could go first thing in the morning but Dave leave for work so early that would be brutal.

I called the doctor and left a message for an appointment. I'm going to go to the doctor referred weight loss clinic I looked into 2 years ago. I need serious help. I need to test my body and see if there's a reason why it doesn't happen when I am being committed. It's so discouraging to see 1 pound in 3 weeks when working my fanny off at this.

I'm so afraid to fail again... perhaps I've given up our of fear. I think I'm more afraid of the health problems awaiting me if I don't fix this and yet I'm still paralyzed to act. I guess my fears of failure, of the what if, is greater than my fear of leaving my kids without a mother before it's time.

Depression fighting back

I have had a crap month.

How can it already be a month since I last ran? Part of me is very tempted to push myself through the half marathon in 8 weeks except I know I will be so very injured afterwards. I will do the 10k regardless of what the next 8 weeks bring.

I have reached a personal high in my scale reading, when not pregnant. That's not something to be proud of but it is the truth. I still can't find that magic thing that will take me from wanting it to doing it.

Want is very real but there's this sense of defeat I can't shake. Maybe that's still the depression talking. Mayah is 10 months old tomorrow, shouldn't it be getting better by now?

I Ran Twice This Week

I ran on Saturday and Monday. I guess that's technically last week and this week but I did it twice in 3 days. I did 5k yesterday.

It is much harder with the kids and the double stroller. Dave and I are estimating (likely on the low side) that without a diaper bag, both kids and the stroller weights 70 lbs. This will sure make running alone easier!

I am training for my 10k despite the disappointment of not doing the 1/2 marathon. I feel really good today: no sore knees or tight muscles. I will run again tomorrow. I'm actually excited about it. Tomorrow, I may actually be able to go without the kids.

I can't wait.

Being realistic is depressing

I am running again and I am faced with the reality that 3 months off does have consequences. I continue to try not to beat myself up over those months of PPD but I must deal with the fact that not runnign for that time period has had huge affects on my distances.

My last run before it all hit was 7k. I ran 4.5 k the other day, while pushing the double stroller and both kids (no less than 60lbs), and that was all I could do. I might not actually be able to complete a 1/2 marathon at the end of September.

I will not give up. I will continue to work towards that goal and I will see where I am at the end of the summer (if we ever get one). By taking the class, there are many people there who might be willing to swap their 10k registration for my 1/2 if need be. I will run something in Banff this September.

Tonight's run is 4 k. That's not a problem... it's those long runs. 7 k on Sunday.

The 1/2 Marathon Clinic Begins

I just ran 3 k. I did it! It's the first time I've run 10 and 1s in almost 3 months and I did it! The wind was blowing on the Reservoir and that path has hills, which I'm not used to, but it was beautiful and the weather was actually nice.

The Running Room Clinic will be great. i am one of the slowest in the group and one of the heaviest. It was rather intimidating being in that room with all of those fit people. But I will get there. I am very encouraged that I wasn't last.

I know this will be a hard journey. With the setbacks of the past few months, I've bitten off a lot with this class but I will do it.

Sweat for a cause

I love that song "I run for hope, I run to feel, I run for the truth for all that is real, I run for your mother, your sister, your wife, I run for you and me my friend, I run for life..."

I run for me but I join races for causes I believe in. One of the biggest is Cancer. I participate in the October Run for the Cure almost every year. While this run is dedicated to Breast Cancer, there are many other runs devoted to specific cancers and cancer in general.

My husband is preparing for the Ride To Conquer Cancer this month. It is a 200k bike ride in Southern Alberta lasting the last weekend of June. Why did he decide to join me in fitness for a cause? We want to see a cure for this horrible disease before our children have to deal with it.

My family has dealt with cancer of all types. My great-grandmother died from breast cancer; my grandmother died from pancreatic cancer; my grandfather had prostate cancer, just to name a few. Currently, in Dave's family, there are those being treated for colon and prostate cancer; an aunt is a breast cancer survivor. Dear friends of ours from our time in Edmonton are walking through brain cancer treatment with their preschool aged daughter. Our story is not uncommon as most people have been touched by cancer.

Dave is set to ride in 4 weeks. He still needs to raise $2000 to reach his fundraising goal. We're asking each of you to join in the fight against this monster and help us create a future where none of our kids have to deal with cancer.

I once saw a picture of a baby girl with a t-shirt on that said, "Find a cure before I have boobs". That is why we sweat for a cause.

To sponsor Dave Blaine visit The Ride to Conquer Cancer